Ah, yes the infamous H-day. Would China’s populous be able to takeover this great country of ours with merely an arsenal of hammers? There are many scenarios and factors that most be considered in this heated debate.

            Now there is one factor that without a doubt would immediately determine the outcome. Would the United States have any warning or advance knowledge of this imminent invasion? If so, this thing would be over very quickly. The moment the planes of billions of Chinese crossed over within 3 miles over our coast we could make use of that missile defense system I’ve heard so much about. Then it’d be all over. Plus we’d have a vacant country over in Asia.

            In order to keep this paper over two paragraphs, though, I’ll give China the benefit of the doubt. We had absolutely no knowledge of this attack. They had stealth planes that evaded our radar, our spies failed, and 1.3 billion people managed to keep a pretty big secret. Now that this is established let’s move on to more crucial elements.

            Another basic fact that needs to be taken into consideration is the date of the attack. Is it in the near future or decades from now? If the attack were in the distant future we would have advanced technology. We’d have incredibly advanced defenses and could easily stop China. Hey, China might not even exist then. So in short, I’ll just say the invasion would happen tomorrow.

            Let’s take a look at the force behind this assault of global proportions, the weapon itself, the reason this event is dubbed H-day: the hammer. The hammers would most likely be built in China. I think people would notice a billion hammers being shipped to China. Now as with most products made in China, the hammer would be of poor quality. I would guesstimate about fifteen blows before the thing collapsed in a pile of metal and wood. Again, I’ll ignore this fact, just to help China out. The type of hammer could also be an issue, but I’ll assume it’s just a basic one with a head and a claw.

            The person actually wielding the hammer should also be taken into consideration. Is he a skilled ninja who specializes in the art of hammer fu? Are the Chinese skilled in the art of throwing hammers? I should think and hope not. I’ll just say it’s an average Joe China who didn’t go to tool college for four years.

            Money would also be a problem in the never-ending debate over the fate of our country. China would need a lot of money to pay for the planes and fuel to fly 1.3 billion people to the other side of the world.

            Time for a little math, isn’t it? Well let’s see, China’s population is about 1.3 billion, and let’s say 350 people ride per plane. To make this trip, China’s going to need, oh, about 3,714,286 planes. That might set China’s economy back just a tad. Not including the gas and the hammers, China’s going to need billions of dollars. Sure, they could travel by boat, but then we could almost certainly anticipate their arrival. And to give them a fighting chance, I will pass over this option.

            So China’s on their way. And we, the stupid and naïve people we are, have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Now the problem of landing arises. Landing 3,714,286 planes is not an easy task to do in secret. But again, I’ll cut China some slack. They have a secret airstrip hidden from all Americans, a refuge if you will. And not one of the 250 million Americans in this country notices these planes. Boy, could we be anymore dim?

            So the Chinese have started their campaign to overtake our precious land. So be it. As you must know, everyone in our country from age 4 up has access to a gun. That gives us an advantage over the hammer-bearing invaders.

            Fire up those calculators cause it’s time for some more numerical fun. To defeat these hardware devils, each American would have to eliminate 5 Chinese. I’ll now point out the obvious fact that some Americans and Chinese are of a young age and couldn’t possibly participate in this war to end all wars. I’ll make the assumption that the same percentage of each side can’t fight. I’m too lazy to check the facts so bear with me.

I’m just going to use the total population of each country.

            Now China would need a large supply of food to accomplish the feat of taking over an entire country. They’d also need transportation. Now technically they should not possess these necessary items. But it makes no difference.  In the end the outcome is the same.

            So if every American does his part the invasion should pose no large threat. There would be some casualties and property damage. But I’m almost certain America would come out on top. The country would be safe. Our people would rejoice from this great victory. Hammers would be boycotted.

            Now my fellow Americans, return to your homes. You can resume your mind numbing schoolwork and repetitive jobs. I have proven, using partial facts, assumptions, and inferences, that we would be victorious. We are safe from the unlikely and highly specialized threat that is H-day.